Is it possible?

Seriously..is it possible I can love this boy Carver so very much? I can go from "how will I ever have another baby again" after weeks of 5:07 or 5:32 am wakeups then get into the daily groove so quickly and that is long forgotton. I kiss his upper and lower lips, I even like to kiss his front teeth, I just love to kiss and hug and snuggle him all up. I'm so lucky, my "baby" loves to snuggle me just as much. "Anuder hug mama?" I get to hear this several times a day.

It's cliche, it is redundant with alot of mothers, but seriously....I am so blessed.

This post tonight comes from a very pure, primal place. Love like no other. This post also stems from an experience at the park this afternoon. While heading there in a regular, ho-hum, this is my not so exciting life kinda mood with buckets and shovels and sippy cup (straw, thank you very much) in tow, we arrive and start the be careful, use both hands while climbing kinda talk and weeeeeeeeee, I swing tall from Carver. All is fun and easy in our every day life once I spot a father with his special-needs toddler maintaining a jogging pace just to keep up with him and prohibit the boy from hurting himself or anyone else. Suddenly it was pure chaos. The child was humming to himself, racing back and forth across the park on his tipey-toes, to and from slide to slide. Manic. His dad with a look of constant focus, just trying to keep close behind him, re-direct him. Over and over. And over again. This was just 30 minutes of their day might I add. It exhausted me, a bystander.

I am no doctor, I would never pretend to be. I'm pretty sure he showed signs of autism at the least. I don't diagnosis. Please let that be my disclosure. No judgement here, just in awe and ever so grateful to be so quickly thrust out of myself and into the mind of what it must be like...to raise a child with a disability of any kind. What a different meaning having a "healthy child" means once you have one...or don't.

I even use to work at an agency that provided services to children w/disablities, but I only now realize that I didn't "get it" then ... I wasn't a mother. My job ended at 5pm.

When I close my eyes tonight and turn my light off after dropping my book a few times to let me know that I am, indeed, ready to go to bed, you can bet my prayer will be one of gratitude. How embarassing, how foolish of me to feel so entitled ever in this lifetime. I only hope I can remember this every day. Sweet dreams, sweet boy. Mama loves you more than you can ever know.